Moving to other blog.

I'm going to stop writing in this blog now, unless something actually happens with regard to my birth relatives. I'll continue my navel gazing under my other title 'The Life of Briar'.

I don't feel any less fucked up over this thing than I would have if we'd been lovers and he dumped me. We had so much fun together, good times. And we could talk to each other, and mostly were very comfortable together.

But I'm not going to fall into the temptation of trying to demonise him, or in some other way twist the truth to make it easier to bear. It's just a very sad situation and I just have to get through it.

I've got myself into this situation because of being 'overly' friendly and interested in the people I've been meeting. I like to try to make people feel good about themselves. It's just unfortunate that in our culture, this is automatically interpreted as a come on, and people have strong reactions because they are just not used to it. I guess I have to tone it down a bit, but I don't want to, don't see how I can. I really believe that if we were all more open with each other, we'd all be less fucked up. It's the hiding and the avoiding of pain, rather than going through it, that leads to all the problems, I'm sure of it.

More on the dangers of surrogate families

It's been a long time because my life appeared to take a different turn there for a while. Back to square one now it feels like.

I moved into town for the first time in adult life. Made several friends very quickly, mostly with other musicians. Thought that things were going to be different. But it's all gone wrong. At the moment I feel completely bereft. Unfortunately, my best friends, who I've gotten very close to, are male. So it's all gotten really complicated and painful. My very best friend over the last few months has been an older man, a guitarist. We were doing great music together (well, we thought so anyway). He never made a secret of the fact that he is attracted to me, in fact, the opposite. But he gave me the impression he was cool with it. Over the months I let him more and more into my life.

He was very helpful, would come over and cook me a meal when I was tired from work. Would bring boxes of shopping and give the kids pocket money. Flowers, presents etc, etc. We, my kids and I, had never had anything like that before, we are pretty nearly alone in the world. It was too easy to like it. It felt healing. I don't know how I could be so stupid. I was always quite clear, blunt even, about the fact that I am not attracted to him in the same way although I became very fond of him as a friend. Why do people say "We're 'just' friends" as if there is something inferior to a friendship just because there is no sex in it? He had me believing that he just cared about me and wanted to help. He told me his daughters have rich husbands so he was giving me some of what I'd missed out on as a child instead. I really believed him.

I can't say that it was always easy, but he became very dear to me and we really had some good times. Until I started to get something together with someone else. Incidentally, a close friend to both of us. Our bass player in fact. He's my age and gorgeous and I can't help being very attracted to him. So now the older guy has said goodbye. Doesn't want anything more to do with me. Doesn't even want to play music any more even though we have worked so hard and it seemed to be coming together.

I am absolutely fucked up by it, a full on downer. Can't stop crying. Can't be bothered to do anything. It seems irrational and I realise that it is because it chimes in with all the other instances of abandonment I've experienced in the past. But he could never be my father any more than I could be his lover. So I just have to get over it.

Of course, anybody reading this won't know what I'm on about because this has not been a life story blog. But I think I need to get my story out there. It might help me to work through the stuff and to keep me from setting myself up like this in the future.

Excuses, excuses

Well, been very busy trying to get enough money in to pay the bloody rent. Etc, etc etc. I saw that game show Deal or No Deal the other day and thought maybe I should write to them because there is no way I will ever have enough money. I'm scrambling about working my ass off just to pay the minimum I have to pay to be allowed to be alive. It would just be really nice to see my mother's face for real. Just once would do I reckon.

Anyway, still no movement from either side on the communication thing.

It worked

You would think that, if someone was sussed enough to be able to pull themselves out of a depression,they also wouldn't be so chicken shit about communicating with people who took so bloody long to find. But this will be a boring blog if nothing else happens apart from my whingeing. (Actually, it was an opulent day yesterday. Burgeoning. Extremely helpful. Anyway...) I'm going to make a pact with myself (and my imaginary readers) to do something, very soon. Haven't decided what yet, but I will. Definitely. Any day now.

Connection

I wonder if anyone really feels connected or whether we all feel isolated. With birth families, I see them all the time where they have nothing in common and where they actually don't get on. Awkward family occasions where everyone is there because they feel they should be but they actually can't wait to get away. It's a bit like that with my birth family. They don't actually have that much to do with each other. Strangely my two ex-adopted brothers go on holiday together and their kids are friends.

When I was a little kid, still with those two adopted brothers, before I went into Care, we had lots of pretend family. The parents friends were aunties and uncles, their kids were cousins. I've done it throughout my life, trying to acquire a family. It never works. Not for very long. Perhaps if you don't have that as a kid, it is hard to recreate it later. Or maybe everyone does it, I don't know.

The last few days I have felt very down and lost and unable to feel the benefit of the affection around me. There are days when everything beautiful seems like a thin pane of coloured glass over reality, which is actually deep and dark and painful.

I'm countering it by making myself do useful things, but more importantly doing things I enjoy and most of all which work my muscles. Later on, I'm going up to do some gardening in the hills. I really believe that negative hormones, or whatever, can be worked out this way. And at some point I will actually be able to feel what a gorgeous day it is today and everything will be good again.

Well, Richie.

I had no idea that it would be possible to find my blog like that. It's scuppered me a bit because I'd decided I was just going to start on my life story! It's not like I'm doing it anonymously anyway, but I hadn't thought about people who actually know me reading it!

But then, I've found in the past that when I start talking about my stuff, it empowers others to do a bit of it as well, and I've seen waves of catharsis and healing sweep through groups of people, because one person decided to get brave.

As to the birth family thing. I really really want to see what my mother looks like. But I'll never see her how she was when I was growing up. That's all gone. I sometimes wonder if I've been sabotaging myself. I still haven't got a passport even. (There are some difficulties with that, but probably not insurmountable) Why do I struggle to keep 2 vehicles on the road? If I was really determined to go, of course I would find a way. So maybe there is something going on in my head that is actually stopping me. Yes, definitely. As I write there is this big ache in my chest. Fear of rejection I guess. Or fear that there just won't be anything there. No sense of connection after all.