Moving to other blog.

I'm going to stop writing in this blog now, unless something actually happens with regard to my birth relatives. I'll continue my navel gazing under my other title 'The Life of Briar'.

I don't feel any less fucked up over this thing than I would have if we'd been lovers and he dumped me. We had so much fun together, good times. And we could talk to each other, and mostly were very comfortable together.

But I'm not going to fall into the temptation of trying to demonise him, or in some other way twist the truth to make it easier to bear. It's just a very sad situation and I just have to get through it.

I've got myself into this situation because of being 'overly' friendly and interested in the people I've been meeting. I like to try to make people feel good about themselves. It's just unfortunate that in our culture, this is automatically interpreted as a come on, and people have strong reactions because they are just not used to it. I guess I have to tone it down a bit, but I don't want to, don't see how I can. I really believe that if we were all more open with each other, we'd all be less fucked up. It's the hiding and the avoiding of pain, rather than going through it, that leads to all the problems, I'm sure of it.

More on the dangers of surrogate families

It's been a long time because my life appeared to take a different turn there for a while. Back to square one now it feels like.

I moved into town for the first time in adult life. Made several friends very quickly, mostly with other musicians. Thought that things were going to be different. But it's all gone wrong. At the moment I feel completely bereft. Unfortunately, my best friends, who I've gotten very close to, are male. So it's all gotten really complicated and painful. My very best friend over the last few months has been an older man, a guitarist. We were doing great music together (well, we thought so anyway). He never made a secret of the fact that he is attracted to me, in fact, the opposite. But he gave me the impression he was cool with it. Over the months I let him more and more into my life.

He was very helpful, would come over and cook me a meal when I was tired from work. Would bring boxes of shopping and give the kids pocket money. Flowers, presents etc, etc. We, my kids and I, had never had anything like that before, we are pretty nearly alone in the world. It was too easy to like it. It felt healing. I don't know how I could be so stupid. I was always quite clear, blunt even, about the fact that I am not attracted to him in the same way although I became very fond of him as a friend. Why do people say "We're 'just' friends" as if there is something inferior to a friendship just because there is no sex in it? He had me believing that he just cared about me and wanted to help. He told me his daughters have rich husbands so he was giving me some of what I'd missed out on as a child instead. I really believed him.

I can't say that it was always easy, but he became very dear to me and we really had some good times. Until I started to get something together with someone else. Incidentally, a close friend to both of us. Our bass player in fact. He's my age and gorgeous and I can't help being very attracted to him. So now the older guy has said goodbye. Doesn't want anything more to do with me. Doesn't even want to play music any more even though we have worked so hard and it seemed to be coming together.

I am absolutely fucked up by it, a full on downer. Can't stop crying. Can't be bothered to do anything. It seems irrational and I realise that it is because it chimes in with all the other instances of abandonment I've experienced in the past. But he could never be my father any more than I could be his lover. So I just have to get over it.

Of course, anybody reading this won't know what I'm on about because this has not been a life story blog. But I think I need to get my story out there. It might help me to work through the stuff and to keep me from setting myself up like this in the future.