Connection

I wonder if anyone really feels connected or whether we all feel isolated. With birth families, I see them all the time where they have nothing in common and where they actually don't get on. Awkward family occasions where everyone is there because they feel they should be but they actually can't wait to get away. It's a bit like that with my birth family. They don't actually have that much to do with each other. Strangely my two ex-adopted brothers go on holiday together and their kids are friends.

When I was a little kid, still with those two adopted brothers, before I went into Care, we had lots of pretend family. The parents friends were aunties and uncles, their kids were cousins. I've done it throughout my life, trying to acquire a family. It never works. Not for very long. Perhaps if you don't have that as a kid, it is hard to recreate it later. Or maybe everyone does it, I don't know.

The last few days I have felt very down and lost and unable to feel the benefit of the affection around me. There are days when everything beautiful seems like a thin pane of coloured glass over reality, which is actually deep and dark and painful.

I'm countering it by making myself do useful things, but more importantly doing things I enjoy and most of all which work my muscles. Later on, I'm going up to do some gardening in the hills. I really believe that negative hormones, or whatever, can be worked out this way. And at some point I will actually be able to feel what a gorgeous day it is today and everything will be good again.